Riders to the midnight sun

I’m almost done with an excellent travelogue, Riders to The Midnight Sun, written by a Marc Llewellyn. The book is based on his journey with his girlfriend, across the former Soviet Union, all 4500 kilometers of the straight line from one end in Ukraine, across the Baltic States, to another end in Russia. The amazing thing was they accomplished all of this on bicycles, hence the title of the book.

Marc’s first hand accounts offered much insight into the lives of the people in each individual country after the dissolution of the USSR. The many colorful characters and incredible incidents he runs, or rather, rides into, sums up to a pretty interesting read, and more importantly, has dug up some quite thought provoking subjects for both the author and the readers themselves. He even contributes some of his existentialism philosophy, which are scattered all about inside the book, and I have extracted my favorite bit out to share with you:

“..Life is a process of dying and renewing yourself, and there are certain circumstances that allow you to do that; and the best of them is travel. The journey is one of those frequent opportunities in life to take stock and to renew. Remove yourself from your normal occupations and you are free of them; you can shed your old skin and become anyone you want to be. You can try on a different personality. No-one will ever see you’ve changed, except when you come back, of course. It’s like falling in love, when your personality thaws a little, and allows for a little change in shape, before it refreezes again.

But you can’t change, of course, without reflection. The real traveler is active, not passive. He moves about but actively reflects on life and what is happening to him and lives each moment as it arrives. So many tourists go away and let new experiences wash over them like plankton in the sea, without grasping them and allowing their imagination to flower – you can travel down to the end of your street, and experience it differently every time, as long as you are aware, and have new eyes to see. And you must be there, in the present, like the Buddhists who close their eyes and walk all day barefoot on the warm ground just to feel it under their feet and know they are alive.”

Man, I’m itching to throw everything down and go backpacking right this very instant haha.

We should do more of this

I haven’t had so much fun over the weekends in a long time now. Everybody’s finally got the time to play after a grueling month of exams and its preparations.

Saturday – Jolyn and I stayed indoors to watch videos with her brother and his girlfriend. We watched Nacho Libre and Take The Lead, a couple of easy movies for us to relax to. After that, we had dinner and coffee at Holland V, and a long bus ride back to her place. Simple things to do on a weekend, but every bit enjoyable with her by my side. Up till now, we haven't really got to spend a lot of time together, with just the other half for company. The two of us seldom have the opportunity for any other things, and on most of the days, it's only a few lamentable hours for dinner after my work. That's why nowadays i really look forward to the next lazy afternoon for us to gain a couple more pounds from DVDs and non-stop snacking :)

Introducing her family: Jolyn's cute niece in my lap, Lim Ah Bu and her lovoly daughter, De Wei and his girlfriend.

Taken later that night at Holland V. Can you sense the glee on her face looking at the food? Fortunately for me, she loves to eat as much as I do haha.

We found out later that day Brandon and Rachel had a near identical itinerary like ours (only Brandon stayed the night hehehe). Whenever Brandon and I catch up and share our relationship experiences, there will be a myriad of uncanny similarities that make us almost carbon copies couples, and it never fails to amaze me.

Sunday – We finally got down to jamming. Xian’s new guitar is incredible, KH has been practising metal screaming, Jerry is upset that the drums sound crap, and I couldn't stop grinning now that we can play again. But this session not happening also, we just played some familiar numbers to warm up after the long break. When we sound better, I will post some of our videos here. Oh, and we even got BC who dropped by to catch up with us. And he’s still the same old BC, just that the fishes he catches now are bigger and he’s got a new girlfriend haha.

Sometimes there's really no need to try too hard. I think it's little things like these we usually overlook to appreciate. Don't regret only when you are too bogged down by other commitments in life for even the simple time your family and friends deserve. Haha I know it's unbelievable this is coming from me, but I think being with Jolyn has taught me a few important things in life. Ok, till then!

You are my bridge over troubled waters

The ex-girlfriend nightmare. The messages telling me how she can’t move on, and the phone calls in which dissension lurks, they don’t stop coming. Calling my office number when she couldn’t reach me on my house phone or my hand phone. Staking out at my void deck till 1AM and then carrying the wait to my house, just so I can’t avoid her any further. I have never lived in so much terror and trepidation before, and sometimes the stress builds up to be almost unbearable. Her behavior has eroded what little remaining good memories of us that I had, and now I feel only apprehension when I see her number appear on my phone. I wanted to cut off all contact with her, and run away into the comforting embrace of the one I truly love.

You were by my side all this time, and did more than what was needed of you. I was truly touched by your actions yesterday, and at the same time, guilt hanged over me like a massive dark cloud. I don’t think another woman could have handled this situation with the kind of grace and maturity as you did. What happened at the airport and thereafter need not be recounted here, too lengthy and not worth the breath. Instead I want to thank you for everything you did darling. The endless tolerance you showed me at the airport. Bringing me to the park so that the serene tranquility of the night sky will ease the troubles on my mind and clear the mess in my heart. Forgiving my actions over a long serious talk while we were there. Driving me all the way back to my house just so we can have that little bit more time together. Even waiting up with me through the night, for her to leave my house, which proved futile, but I appreciate your reassuring company nonetheless. What would have happened to me if I didn’t have you by my side?

Now that the nightmare is finally over, I’m just glad that things didn’t turn out to be too fucked up. I don’t care what she tells the world about us, or what her friends think. I can’t even be bothered with what she does from now onwards, just as long as she leaves us alone. All that matters to me now is that I have you, and having you walk through this difficult period together with me, I want only happy times ahead for the two of us. Because I know I will never find another like you, given the way that you treat me and love me. Thank you Jolyn, I love you.

You don't want to read this

There's something wrong with me. I'm in an aggressive melancholic state and I cannot shake it off or fathom the cause of it. I haven't got any appetite, there's nothing that tempts. I seem to be craving for alcohol though. Not the usual social drinking sessions with your friends, my heart yearns for an uncontrolled binge within the confines of isolation. I want smokes too, I don't care which type as long as it's something heavy. What the fuck is it with depression that beckons for the company of substance abuse anyway. This reminds me the time when I was alone in Bangkok and was struck with the similar mental malaise, but the reason back then was clear at least. I don't have any drive to do anything else now, I've been lying on my bed and allowing this manic gloom to fester in me for the past hour. Figured that if I were to sit up and open a window in my heart to air my frustrations here, perhaps I would find out what's actually affecting me so badly. But all this ranting and raving don't tell me anything I don't already know, instead I'm only even more reminded of my inclination towards self-destructive behavior. Makes me question myself now about the previous drinking binges I've had, and how it almost took my life not once, but twice. Did I really got careless and drank too much of the happy juice, or am I secretly bent on my own demise? If it's the latter, isn't it fucked up that you would try to harm yourself without being actually conscious about it? Nah, I think it's just me trying to get a higher high, overstepping my limitations and crossing the line of safe drinking. KH will know exactly what am I talking about, won't you dear friend. Right now, that's what I really want to do, let's go to that carefree place hidden in the bottle. My urges are downright specific. I don't want to play any of those gimmicky therapeutic sports or games so I can "sweat it out". I want to smash something, the more cracking breaking shattering and damage you can get out of it, the better it should feel. Its not healthy to control your aggression and its burning me up inside, and fuck me, I don't even know why it's there to begin with. Maybe this kind of random dispiritedness will strike everyone at some point in their lives and it's how you deal with it. But I can't deal with it. I need a fix. I need something more, something harsh and dangerous. Fuck this shit, it's not helping at all, it's only making me want to go back and lie down some more. And if I'm still in a mess of blues when I wake up, I will know what to do. Good night.

I feel good (I got you)

It's 4.30 AM in the morning but I can't go to sleep. I'm feeling so happy right now that I don't even know where to start. I'm just elated to have you in my arms after all these long long years. So many things I want to do with you, so many places to see together, so much to tell you about, I can hardly wait darling. Thank you for the 2nd chance you've given me to love you, and I promise that I will treasure you and all the things we share :)

James Brown knows exactly how I feel right now, and since I can't sing or dance even half of he can (look at him move!), I'll allow him to tell it to you on my behalf haha.

Whoa-oa-oa! I feel good, I knew that I would, now
I feel good, I knew that I would, now
So good, so good, I got you

Whoa! I feel nice, like sugar and spice
I feel nice, like sugar and spice
So nice, so nice, I got you

{ sax, two licks to bridge }

When I hold you in my arms
I know that I can't do no wrong
And when I hold you in my arms
My love won't do you no harm

And I feel nice, like sugar and spice
I feel nice, like sugar and spice
So nice, so nice, I got you

Whoa! I feel good, I knew that I would, now
I feel good, I knew that I would
So good, so good, 'cause I got you
So good, so good, 'cause I got you
So good, so good, 'cause I got you

"Harlo auntie, kopi O lai ji bueh hor"

Recently I have been accused of “exhibiting a level of maturity well past my age”. It would have been a rare compliment, except that the observer had meant it to be anything but that. The exact words were “Why you so uncle”, albeit said in a jokingly manner (I certainly hope so). And so, thinking I could prove wrong the person who remarked that, I retrospect my behavior and the activities I’ve been doing lately, instead coming up with so many personal examples that I had to concede to her. Here’s ten of them off the top of my head, and arranged like one of those online quizzes people like so much. Who knows, you might find your inner “uncle” too.

1. You buy 4D and Toto weekly, and say things like “Got buy, got chance”.

2. When you meet your buddies for dinner, yours is the only Kopi O amidst all the Coke and Teh Ping.

3. You have friends who like to hang out in town and go clubbing, but you prefer to hang out at a kopitiam and go fishing.

4. You have hundreds of Hokkien songs in your media library, and you hope fellow commuters can’t hear them coming out of your headphones on the rush hour train.

5. You ever considered buying a gold watch and Ray Ban Aviators (I later found out from an uncle that Top Gun popularized them back in the 80’s.)

6. You find yourself occasionally replying your friends in dialect without thinking, and you have the urge to mispronounce English words on purpose.

7. You realize that you look like one of your father’s fishing pals when you are in a stripy polo T-shirt, shorts, and slippers.

8. You are always lamenting about the “good old days” (though the good old days were really just your Secondary school life half a decade ago).

9. You like the cars which were popular two decades ago.

10. Your friend (Jolyn) points out to you that you are an “uncle” all too often, and the friend (Brandon) you hang out with got labeled “uncle” too by his girlfriend.

Nonetheless I’m not too worried about it. It’s probably just the Singaporean heartlander way of life deeply anchored in me. I just hope I don’t go into an identity crisis twenty years from now haha.

Tying a string (of words) around my finger

Well, here goes the Adam to all the rest of my posts to come. And it will do exactly what my title says, that is, to remind me in the future why I picked up blogging.

Up till only a few months ago, the idea of blogging has never appealed to me as a way of journal keeping. Reason being, when the blogging boom took off, majority of the blogs I had visited out of curiosity were mainly tepid, uninspiring entries about daily mundane routines. There were almost nothing interesting at all, and whats the point of archiving something nobody wants to read. (I don't think anybody wants to, during a boring day at work, read an entry they posted half a year back, about a boring day at work. Unless there's something comforting about how invariably unremarkable your life is.) It had never occurred to me back then, how much potential the humble blog has. Simply put, I had taken a look, seen nothing exceptional, and have since thrown the idea of blogging out of the window. But of course, that wasn't the only reason. I am also a bit of a technophobe, so the thought of fiddling with all those codes and stuff scared me haha...

However, a few months back, i got back in touch with a group of close friends (you know haha) after a hiatus of a few years, and the easiest way to catch up on what they have been doing all this while, was naturally to go snooping in their blogs. That was then, i realised, that other than the narcissistic and obsessive use of a blog as if it was little more than a mirror of their lives that some people has been using it for, the blog is quite indispensable as a tool to keep precious memories. The human mind has its failings and limitations when it comes to storage capacity, so what's better than a journal of invaluable memories you can revisit again and again, without the fear of having to grapple with brain fade? (I'm really quite forgetful) Besides, I have been out of school for too long, starting to write again will do me some good.

And so, here we are, Numero Uno. Hopefully the times to come will constantly be interesting enough to make me want to write about it, else i might degenerate into one of the "Same Shit Different Day" people. Wish me luck.