You don't want to read this

There's something wrong with me. I'm in an aggressive melancholic state and I cannot shake it off or fathom the cause of it. I haven't got any appetite, there's nothing that tempts. I seem to be craving for alcohol though. Not the usual social drinking sessions with your friends, my heart yearns for an uncontrolled binge within the confines of isolation. I want smokes too, I don't care which type as long as it's something heavy. What the fuck is it with depression that beckons for the company of substance abuse anyway. This reminds me the time when I was alone in Bangkok and was struck with the similar mental malaise, but the reason back then was clear at least. I don't have any drive to do anything else now, I've been lying on my bed and allowing this manic gloom to fester in me for the past hour. Figured that if I were to sit up and open a window in my heart to air my frustrations here, perhaps I would find out what's actually affecting me so badly. But all this ranting and raving don't tell me anything I don't already know, instead I'm only even more reminded of my inclination towards self-destructive behavior. Makes me question myself now about the previous drinking binges I've had, and how it almost took my life not once, but twice. Did I really got careless and drank too much of the happy juice, or am I secretly bent on my own demise? If it's the latter, isn't it fucked up that you would try to harm yourself without being actually conscious about it? Nah, I think it's just me trying to get a higher high, overstepping my limitations and crossing the line of safe drinking. KH will know exactly what am I talking about, won't you dear friend. Right now, that's what I really want to do, let's go to that carefree place hidden in the bottle. My urges are downright specific. I don't want to play any of those gimmicky therapeutic sports or games so I can "sweat it out". I want to smash something, the more cracking breaking shattering and damage you can get out of it, the better it should feel. Its not healthy to control your aggression and its burning me up inside, and fuck me, I don't even know why it's there to begin with. Maybe this kind of random dispiritedness will strike everyone at some point in their lives and it's how you deal with it. But I can't deal with it. I need a fix. I need something more, something harsh and dangerous. Fuck this shit, it's not helping at all, it's only making me want to go back and lie down some more. And if I'm still in a mess of blues when I wake up, I will know what to do. Good night.